Catching up

             My new job is going good. It's a little crazy but what place isn't right? I can be myself there and that is a big plus because being someone I am not got me nowhere last time. I am finally catching up on my bills and hopefully by the end of the month things can be back to normal, as normal as can be for us. I been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to find out who I am and what my purpose is. I know I have to be more then just a wife and mother. I wish I could be one of those people who want something and don't stop until it's theirs. I wish I could set my mind to just one thing and get it accomplished. I know what I have to do but it's always put on the back burner and forgotten. 

         I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are all going threw illnesses. Every phone call and text is about how sick they are, what doctors they are going to see, what surgeries they need to have or what new prescription they were put on. I know it's harsh but when I talk to them I don't want to hear about how sick they are. My mother is very sick, and has so much going on with doctor appointments and being sick all the time. I don't really care to hear what my friends say because the only person I care about being sick is my mother. So when I call my friends to escape from the bad things going on in my life I am sucked into all there health problems and I can't get a word in. Who wants to hear about my bullshit problems when they are sick? 

        My mom tries to talk to me about her health problems and whats going on with her. I know she thinks that I am not listening to her. But while she is talking to me the only thing going threw my head is the thought of losing her, and I just can't handle that. If something happened to my mother I would never be the same. I would lose my fucking mind. I need her, as much as anyone needs someone I need her. Her love is unbelievable and unconditional. So the thought of not ever feeling that love again makes me crazy. I hope there are other kids in this world that have a mother like mine. But honestly I think she is one of a kind.